My 11 top tips for helping with fussy, picky, choosy eaters!
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
At one time or another most parents and child carers find themselves in the position of trying to persuade a little one to eat something and quite often it is something they have previously loved and are now refusing!
We all go through phases and stages of enjoying certain foods but then sometimes just not wanting to eat it. Lots of things can impact on this, from the amount of fresh air that we have had that day, exercise or lack of exercise, number of snacks or size of the previous meal, peer pressure or generally just how you might be feeling! Our children are no different and often they aren’t involved in the process of preparing food, so plates of food are just put in front of them and sometimes they just don’t feel like eating it!
We need to be very aware of our reactions to this stage as our children are watching us, and seeing us get anxious, frustrated or annoyed around mealtimes can be confusing and unsettling for them. They don’t always understand why we might be feeling frustrated at them not eating, they don’t have the wider concepts that we do, such as ‘if you don’t eat now, you will be hungry later or during the night’ etc. children are in the here and now. They might not feel like eating what has been put in front of them, but then as the adults around them start to show behaviours such as frustration, anxiety etc this may actually lead to them refusing to eat at all as they don’t understand the emotions that are being demonstrated around them. We want mealtimes to be fun, enjoyable and stress-free as possible and this will always start with our approach.
Why has my child suddenly become fussy?
A very common time for parents to mention that their child has become fussy is around the 18-24 month age group. This is developmentally completely normal and can affect children to differing degrees. Some children might refuse to eat certain foods but generally eat well, and then, at the opposite end of the scale, the child narrows down their food choices to 2 or 3 foods, typically beige in colour e.g. bread, pasta, potatoes etc.
The reason for a child’s reaction to food in this way goes way back to our ancestors when they had to forage for food. If a family went out foraging, the adult would always eat something from what they had brought back first to check that it was safe to eat; if they didn’t die or become ill they would then feed this to their child. While we are very lucky that we no longer have to risk life and limb to check that food is safe, this instinct is still there in our children telling them to watch the adult in order to know if the food is safe to eat. This phase is known as the neophobic stage; it commonly starts any time from approximately 18 months to 2 years old and how long it lasts is very dependent on the individual child (and parent reaction!). Neophobia means fear of the new, but even if the food isn’t new to them children can become wary and refuse to try it.
Another reason we can see fussy eating developing is when a child is looking to gain control over situations. Food can be a very good place to start as a child not eating is often the thing which adults get really anxious and worried about. If the child is suddenly at the age where they realise that they might get lots of attention from refusing food, then they are going to see this as something that they should repeat. As I have said in many blogs before, children are attention needing, and often, when there is not positive attention, they will be very happy to accept negative attention instead in order to fulfil that need.
My eleven top tips to help with fussy eating!
1. Don’t overload the plate – we want our children to eat well, so can make portion sizes bigger than the child can manage. Seeing a plate loaded with food can be overwhelming and stop your child wanting to attempt it. Look to offer smaller portions so that your child has a greater opportunity to do well at the mealtime and if they want to ask for seconds then this is absolutely fine, but helps them feel more in control. To read more about portion sizes see this article from The Infant and Toddler Forum - portion sizes
2. Don’t insist on a clean plate, just ask yourself - have they eaten well? Many of us come from a time where we had to clear our plate in order to get down from the table or to get a dessert. However, this strategy does not help our children to learn self-regulation – they say that they are full and don’t want any more, but we tell them that they have to finish what is on their plate. I am absolutely in favour of encouraging children to eat well, but we also need to balance this in getting them to understand when their body is telling them that they are full.
3. Sharing plates or picky plates – particularly when supporting children through the neophobic stage (as above) this can be an excellent way to get little ones to eat but also to help with trying new foods. These are plates that you put in the middle of the table, which might have a selection of different foods such as sandwiches, fruit, vegetable sticks, crackers, cheese etc. If you are eating from the sharing or picky plate too then your little one is going to be happier to try different things, following you as their role model. Don’t worry if they don’t try certain things some days, just keep putting a small amount of the food that they are currently not eating back on the plate. It is all about regular exposure and one day it is very likely that they will just pick it up and start eating it again.
4. Self-serving – allowing our children from a young age help to put food on to their own plate can help with their regulation of the amount that they eat, but also help with the control that they might need to have. This might take some practice, but practice makes perfect and they will learn from doing this and often try new things because they have initiated it themselves.
5. Eating together – children look to us and those around them (peers and siblings) as role models, so having times when you all sit together for a meal will help with eating. Children feel so much more comfortable with this than when you are just sitting there focusing purely on what they are…or aren’t eating; it can be a lot of pressure. It might also feel that a mealtime when your children are occupied is a great time for you to get things done while the children are sitting at the table, but this can feel quite lonely for your child/ren and can sometimes stop good eating habits. Mealtimes are meant to be social occasions, so even if you don’t want to eat your main meal with the children (it might be too early etc) then just have a small snack meal or portion of what your child is having with them to help them feel more comfortable at the mealtime.
6. Correct eating position – how your child is sitting can hugely affect the success of a mealtime. If your child is still in a highchair, does it fully support their back, come to the back of their knees and are their feet on a flat surface (commonly the footplate of the highchair). These same 3 things are what to look at for older children too. We often see children with their feet swinging rather than on a firm, flat surface, this often means that they fidget more and can struggle to use cutlery effectively. We need to feel grounded and for our core to be supported in order to eat well. If your child is sitting on a bench or a chair that is too big for them then try to make sure that their back is supported (a cushion can help) and their feet are on a flat surface (a footstool can work well)
7. Involving children in choosing or helping prepare the meals – getting involvement from your child from a young age in making choices regarding mealtimes will certainly help in the long term. Talking about what you might have for lunch or dinner, possibly looking at two options and asking what they might like (you don’t need to do it every day!) but this can help them feel involved and part of the process. If you are able to get them involved in the preparation of the meal this can also help with getting their taste buds going as they are seeing and experiencing the cooking or preparation process. They can try things as they go along and again it is alongside an adult which is acting as the role model, going back to mealtimes being social occasions.
8. Making mealtimes fun – often mealtimes can become a process, something that has to happen each day and we can sometimes lose the enjoyment aspect of eating, which then rubs off on our children. Having some mealtimes which are den or carpet picnics, constructing your own (things such as wraps or tacos) or making your own sandwiches and having a selection of fillings. All of these things can help with making mealtimes more interesting and in turn children will very often will look to try new things.
9. A calm and relaxed approach – “I don’t like it, it’s yuck”. Keep responses to these types of comments calm and relaxed – when you give a reaction it can often trigger this to happen more frequently. Responding calmly with “This is something I like because it is juicy/sweet/spicy/soft/tasty etc and this is what we have for lunch/dinner today” will not trigger a greater response and it will help you to have a calmer mealtime.
10. Sweet doesn’t always have to follow savoury – we want to avoid the “if you eat your main course then you can have your dessert/pudding” as this is giving the message “if you eat the boring or not so nice food you then get to have the sweet ‘nice’ food”. This gives confusing messages as we want our children to enjoy all food and not to see something being nicer than another (because it is sweet for example) and that you can be bribed with this food. Putting sweet and savoury together can take some getting your head around as it doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. Very often adults expect children to choose sweet first, but without having the preconceived opinion that sweet foods are nicer they go with what they feel like. If this feels like a big jump, then look to offer savoury after savoury, so it might be that you offer cheese and crackers as a second course option or maybe cruditiés and a dip. If your child is still hungry, then offering a second course is absolutely fine, but this can be either sweet or savoury – if you mix it up this helps to disperse the sweet/savoury situation.
11. Avoid offering alternatives at the mealtime - we are keen for our children to eat at mealtimes and worry when they don’t. Because of this, when our children don’t eat ‘properly’ we can sometimes compensate by offering alternatives which we know they like or ‘will always eat’. This can be confusing for your child if alternatives can be offered and they will tend to look for this at each mealtime especially as they can end up having something that is easy to eat (and prepare at last minute) such as toast etc. If your child has not eaten anything at a mealtime then you make it clear that the mealtime is over and there aren’t other options available and you get them down from the table. If you want them to have had something to eat then you can look at giving them something maybe 30-60 mins later so that you have separated the association with the mealtime where they haven’t eaten.
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